Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Be a professional... Mooch.

So, I'm doing someone in my office a favor and holding one of her new listings open for the Broker's Tour. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't the point of touring listings to get to know the current inventory? Wouldn't this be a helpful thing to know? It's kind of like going to the grocery store and asking if they have wheat bread and the stock guy saying "ahhh... I'm not sure let me check the computer". Hey it's a grocery store you should know if you have wheat bread, right?

Since most Real Estate Agents are inherently lazy, most never bother to tour. Someone, somewhere, came up with the idea of serving lunch in order to entice the office dwelling fatties to come and look at a house so they might actually one day show it to someone who happened to call an office and get entrapped by the knucklehead working the phone with one hand and a tray of nachos with the other (not that there's anything wrong with nachos, mind you).

Now I'm working this broker open, which is really just hanging around an open house occasionally answering a question or two. On several occasions, some old fatty I've never seen before (usually because they never do anything), comes rolling into the house, straight at the food, stuffs her face, then wraps up some more to take with her, and never bothers to look at any other room and leaves.

Hey! Fat, lazy, agents, the food, is a thank you for learning about the new listing not, a free pass to the feeding trough. It is a fact, some agents plan their tour based on what is being served for lunch or given away in a raffle. What is wrong with you people? This isn't a farm equipment convention, where we wander around looking at the new combines. You are supposed to actually know what you're talking about!

Oh… wait a minute, on second thought this might actually be a stroke of genius. Let the morons be distracted by free cold cuts, and I'll make more money giving their clients great service by actually knowing what's going on and off the market.

So keep stuffing yourself, you heifers of houses, but remember... they fatten you right before the slaughter.

-SOLD

Moron Monday Award

First thing Monday morning, office meeting...

We usually have a guest speaker, who comes in, gives a ten minute talk about whatever (radon disclosures, new survey rules, staging techniques, etc.) takes a few questions and leaves.

It Never Fails, the same agent, shows up late, disrupts the meeting by trying to wedge her fat ass past all the desks to hers in the back (ever wonder why it's in the back?). She proceeds to have a conversation with her stall mate about blah, blah, blah, and then has the mental fortitude to ask the same question that was just asked 30 seconds before. Thanks for stealing five minutes of my life.

Congratulations, Monday Moron.


-LISTING EXPIRED

Thursday, June 12, 2008

More Mug Shots

Location, Location, Location...
and Balloons.

Don't worry I'll be out in time for the closing...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Agent Mug Shots

Why is it mandatory for agents to put their picture everywhere? What other profession does that?

Well I say, if you're going to post them, so am I.

What I love about this guy is that the Realtor® pin on his lapel is backwards (trust me it is, I didn't want to post a bigger picture). What that means for you boys and girls is that this guy Photoshoped this thing backwards (allegedly). Way to go Einstein. What else did you (allegedly) photoshop? And what's his hand doing in his pocket?
I'm not a tool.

Next, I'm not sure what to make of this one. She looks like she just woke up from a nightmare in which she got really drunk and married this guy as a joke with her girlfriends in Vegas. Only now, she's realizing it might actually be real.

Do Not Drink & Sell Real Estate

Captions anyone? Feel free to send in some contributions. Bad MLS pictures are sooo 2005.

-LISTING EXPIRED


na na NA na, hey, Hey, hey... Goodbye!

Here's an awesome interesting statistic I found. The number of Realtors® has dropped over the last year by 6.81%. Found it right here Clicky.

It’s funny how the states with the most quitters are the ones that saw some of the wildest property appreciation during the boom.

And the winners quitters are…

Florida: -13.09
Michigan: -12.52
Nevada: -12.18
California: -10.73
Minnesota: -10.49

I feel bad for you, really, I do. So, I've provided a link to help.
Click.

I'll take fries with that Biaatch.

-CONTRACT CANCELED

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Less Selling, More Blogging

The folks over at http://www.geekestateblog.com/ generally have some good things going on. After all, we DO need to watch for and be aware of new trends and toys. I mostly lurk around the blogs figuring my scathing commentary doesn't add to the discourse. Plus, I actually spend most of my time selling Real Estate, not playing with things other people can do more efficiently than me and therefore are more cost effective for me to outsource. Not only that, but if I'm going to spend time reading about real estate it better be written by someone who has actually sold something in the last 6 months.

So, one of the big topics over there and in RE in general is the advent of video. At least the guys over at geekestateblog address the issues of poor quality, shaky videos, and talking heads that'll give you nightmares.

But I was a little surprised they let this one get by. www.geekestateblog.com/an-adventure-in-vimeo/ .

Let me just quote the first paragraph, the emphasis are mine:

"Video is the next frontier, or so they say. I have been wracking my brains for a way to utilize video on my Riverside real estate website, but since I am handicapped by not having any listings, I couldn’t do a listing tour."

I think I just wet myself....

-SOLD

Monday, June 9, 2008

Moron Monday

So I go to see a new listing today on tour. It's an immaculate 100+ year old home in one of the most exclusive areas in the country. Original, hand nailed, inlaid floors, elaborate mosaic tile, stained glass, everything, the works.

Now I don't know how you do it, but in a home like this, the shoes are either off or in those booties that are impossible to get on and off. The carpet in the entryway cost more than my college tuition.

Right about here in the story is why I started this blog. Some Helmet-Haired old lady comes careening through the place hauling her enormous ass that hasn't been seen by a man in the last 250 years, and in her hand is a giant steaming cup of carmel-mocha-non-removable stain causing stupidity. Are you serious? It's no wonder you haven't sold anything in the last eighteen months.

You win the very first Monday Moron Award. Congratulations Triceratops.

Now for my Mesozoic Segue...

Needless to say, this brings out every agent who hasn't made a sale two years. They love to get all bitter about how things used to be, don't they? All the dinosaurs put on their Dr. Scholls and come out to pout.

You gotta love it when the younger agents actually make progress in their careers and Mrs. I-Still-Have-a-Rotary-Phone-at-Home gets all bent out of shape because somebody else's marketing plan included more than four bad pictures and that internet thing.

Hey! The days of putting a sign in the lawn and unlocking a door are over. You hear that noise? That's the meteor signaling the end of an epoch.

The rise of intelligent mammals is inevitable.


-CONTRACT PENDING

Saturday, June 7, 2008

How motivated are your sellers?

Why in the world would I ever answer that question?

Well... hmmm... Let's see...


My clients put their home on the market during the worst housing downturn in decades and everyone in the country is telling them not to sell and wait till the market rebounds. But they're house is on the market anyway. What do you think? Are they?

So let me put it this way. How freakin' motivated are your buyers? Do you even know? Or are you one of the Agents at MENSA Realty who loads up the tire kickers, makes a hundred appointments, and wastes everybody’s time lugging people around who are never going to buy?

I'm in business to SELL Real Estate not LIST Real Estate. Let me explain something to you that hopefully will get past the whining noise coming out of your mouth. When I list a property it’s because my clients have hired me to SELL their property. So my listing is priced competitively, shows great, and all my paperwork is ready. I even have moving boxes waiting in the wings. So make an offer chucklehead.

Don't come to me with "how motivated are your sellers?" When what you really mean is "I am inept, haven't done my homework, and don't have the slightest idea how to screen potential buyers from time wasting tire kickers so will you disclose a little bit of your clients position to help me? Because we're all in this together right? (wink, wink). "

The answer is no.

Go back to your office, whine about how hard things are, keep working floor, and pray for the order taking days to come back. I've got a closing to go to.

-LISTING EXPIRED

Artistic MLS Images

One of the first things to strike me when I started in this business is how some Agents have truly missed their calling in life. We have so many photographic artists running around, I'm starting to wonder when National Geographic will open a brokerage.


I call this one Room with a view... of the Sun.


C'mon... Spend the hundred bucks and do it right you cheap ass. Or, better yet, don't and I'll send thank you note for making it much easier to please your client when they become mine.

-PRICE REDUCED

Friday, June 6, 2008

Let's get it started in here... Hey, wait a minute...

Ok, Ok. I saved this blog name a year ago with the intention of writing about my adventures as a Sales Associate in the Real Estate business.

I figured it'd be fun to write some humorous posts about the wacky things we come in contact with all the time. Kind of like a million other blogs out there, right? But after being in the business for almost a year now I've really contacted some wackiness. So, my new mission is to cast light on some of the... let's just say... more "interesting" aspects of this business.

Like, for example, the obsession with Blogging and Social Networking and how it's the new way to riches in Real Estate sales. I've probably asked more than a couple hundred people if they have ever read a Real Estate Blog. Well, you already know the answer to that. The only people who seem interested in Real Estate Blogs are the bloggers themselves (I see the irony here).

Don't go all postal about how it's the new medium for communication and I don’t get it... blah, blah, blah. I can drive, drink coffee, smoke, talk on my Bluetooth, answer email, and Twitter all at the same time with the best of you.

Oh... did I mention I don't even have to look at my Crackberry when I type?

So now that you get the idea of what's going on here at DirtPimp let's move on.

Great name huh... DirtPimp, ha ha, Get it?

But wait... what if DirtPimp gets really big? I'll probably need my own domain. Alas, DirtPimp is already taken by some monster truck hillbilly enthusiast. Never fear... let's try some other combo's...

It's right about here that I come across this: http://www.dirtpimping.com

Thank you Lord... I didn't even have to try on my first day.


-SOLD